Posted: September 25, 2014 in History, Humor, Politics
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Those who know me on social media, know that I keep my politics to other pages.  If I am going to post a political rant, I go elsewhere because my widely diverse friends and family encompass a broad swath of politics, ideologies, and preferences. 

Sometimes though, I find something so absurdly petty and ridiculous that I need to be able to see the humor in it when reflected against the grave issues facing the USA and the world today.

My dad was in the Navy, My uncle Phil the Army, My dad’s friends were in the Army, Army Air Corps, Marines, My cousin was Air Force.  I spent a period of my life in the early 1970’s on a US Army base, including some difficult/risky stuff.  I worked many years in state public safety with a military structure and many veterans as co-workers.  One of my best friends was US Coast Guard, another US Navy, US Army, USMC, Air Force.  I do comprehend discipline and protocol.  I get it… I respect it.

That said, I’m pretty darn upset over this whole pumpkin-spice latte salute debacle.

I mean was he supposed to stick it in his pocket?  That damn thing was like a friggin’ Venti for crying out loud!

First of all, if I’m elected, it’ll be a caramel macchiato – venti… None of this pumpkin-spice stuff! Secondly, whoever the hell is in charge of welcoming me to s**t damn well better have the presence of mind to send a third guy to the steps to grab my macchiato so I can salute the other two, or at least put a cup holder on the steps… something, somewhere…  I mean, the pockets (if any) on my clothing these days are teensy-tiny.  If I stick a quarter in the pocket of my tight jeans, 15 cents is showing… So my pockets are out, and I’m not going to chance a macchiato going critical mass when dropped inside my nice Fendi bag.

Because you know if I said “screw it” and pitched the latte onto the runway in order to salute, tomorrow’s conservative news headlines would read “President Lilith pitches tax-payer funded caramel macchiato venti on runway!” and the liberal news would be all up in arms about President Lilith’s atrocious Venti cup littering and how she is bad for the environment.

In thinking about it, I could turn to one if the honor guards and say “Hold my macchiato, please.” and then hand it off, salute the other one… rinse and repeat.  Except that I need to get to my office and catch up on other non-protocol stuff like, oh… I don’t know… the fact that we have bombs dropping somewhere?  Also, what if they’re the same rank, but whichever media outlets hate me the most that week, find out that I saluted the least senior one first?  Unforgivable.

I mean WTF???  We never saw ANY former presidents pull that goofy “half-arsed” sort of, but not quite a salute”… like, like while holding a dog or something…  *cough*.  Because y’know every former president had his s**t together, like 24/7/365 right?  So if I were to Google say “George W Dog Salute”, nothing embarrassing would turn up right?

Oh and please remind me to purchase a Gloucester storm slicker and sou’wester if elected, because <insert deities of choice> forbid, someone from the military on duty should hold my umbrella?   Because you wouldn’t see anyone but President Obama if you Googled “President military umbrella”… Like oh say Presidents Eisenhower, Reagan, George Bush, Sr and George Bush, Jr and maybe presidential “wannabee” Senator McCain?  Right?

You know who I blame for all of this stuff?  JFK!  That’s right, JFK and his stupid “no hat” policy.  See up through Eisenhower, presidents wore big hats.  I mean Abe… Abe could have stashed a venti macchiato plus a whole meal under that stovepipe hat!  Ike could have tucked that latte and probably some cinnamon rolls and a small quiche under his big hat.  Come to think of it… Ike, WTF with the military umbrellas dude?  I mean where was your big hat that day?  So yeah, Jack I’m handing that one off to you brother.

The president whose words I think of most when these faux scandals hit ANY president, is FDR. “…They are unanimous in their hate for me—and I welcome their hatred.”

In closing: If nominated, I shall run.  If elected I shall serve.  There will be humor and plenty of material for the comedians.

Also macchiato… and quiche.

– Lilith



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